+ I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

+ When chemists die, they barium.

+ Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

+ I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

+ I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

+ This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

+ I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

+ I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

+ They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

+ We’re going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

+ Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

+ Broken pencils are pointless.

+ I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

+ What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

+ I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

+ All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

+ I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

+ Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

+ A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

+ The earthquake in Washington obviously was the Government's fault.

+ Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

I quit my job at the bakery. I got tired of the dough and wanted to go on the loaf. (Curly)

Police suspect the latest stealth burglary to be the work of Joachin Undetected.

Is it true that all of those were supposed to make people laugh but no pun in ten did?

Unusualdesigner: thanks! +

Ya welcome! We need more laughs....

When the electrician came in at 3 A.M., his wife said "Wire You Insulate"!

True story - had a local electrician in the 70's that had professionally painted on his service van:

"Let me remove your Shorts"

Two maggots were fighting in dead Earnest.

One man’s Mede is another man’s Persian.

I'm not fat, I merely suffer from an adipose complex.

Two fish swam into a concrete wall. The one turned to the other and said, “Dam!”

Then there was the one about the fat nudist, who apparently had lots of cheek.

He ate so much over the holidays that he decided to quit cold turkey.

What’s white, light and sugary, and swings from trees?
A meringue-utan.

What happened to the survivors of a collision between a red ship and a blue ship?
They were marooned.

What did the aspiring Yogi say to the hot dog vendor?
"Make me one with everything."

Can a Blind Manufacturer see what he is doing?

There was a young lady of Worcester,
Who dreamed Marlon Brando sedorcester.
But she woke up to find
It was all in her mind:
Just a lump in the mattress that gorcester

What do you call a murderous maniac who has cotton in his ears?
Anything you want, he can't hear you.

You should be true to your teeth, or they will be false to you

What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Pumpkin pi.

Does a Philatelist stamp about?

A woman went into a bar with a newt perched on her shoulder. She ordered a drink for herself and one for the newt.
“What’s its name?” asked the bartender.
“Tiny,” replied the woman.
“Why Tiny?”
“Because he’s my newt.”

Why won't cannibals eat divorced women?
They're always bitter.

What did one eye say to the other eye?
Between you and me, there is something that smells.


If you have a bee in your hand, what do you have in your eye?
Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

What do you call Santa’s helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

I don't suffer from paronomasia. I enjoy it!

vitanola, brilliant!

They tried to keep a lid on it, but someone leaked.
The Lieutenant said it was uncanny.
The Captain made a big stink.
The policewomen said that they wouldn't stand for it.

Beauty is in the eye of the deed holder.

A fellow came home form work every night angry and sour, and would berate his faithful wife, exploding with fury if his dinner was not on the table.

One night his long-suffering wife finally had enough. When he arrived home, dinner was sitting on the table, but an odd dinner indeed it was. Mince pie, Chocolate cake, Tapioca, Jello, Royal Pudding, and a lovely Napoleon.
The grump took in the table, and angrily asked his wife why she had given him all of these sweets. Her reply was simple; "Don't you understand, dear? I'm deserting you."

On the passing of Vidal Sassoon, JG asked.
"Didn't he just curl up and dye??? "
Been giggling like a silly school girl ever since. Thanks JG.

Bruce Webster

Back in college I drove a Ford Coupe which I christened (rather hopefully) "the Mayflower", in the expectation that many a little Puritan would come across in her.


I was sadly disappointed with the Ford, for it was just too tight, but in Junior year I bought a big Paige-Detroit sedan, and then...

It took me a while but I finally "getter."

Then there was the banker who was fired for losing interest.

A girl goes into a bar and asks for a "double entendre" so the barman gave her one.